written by amanda palmer, my alterations in caps

when i was six years old my sister LAUREN
asked for a stove for her birthday
a miniature one you could actually cook with
and OUR MUM was nice and she bought one

BUT LAUREN, SHE needed a reason to bake something
barged in my room and she grabbed me
she said:
"i made a cake and we're going next door
to CHRISTIAN'S and you're getting married"

the cake was burned
it tasted gross
she made me kiss him
on the mouth

now i am EIGHTEEN
unmarried happily
no plans in life and i'm planning to keep it that way
i do kissing with only one mission
do you like to kiss? then you have my permission

and i have already spent too much time
doing things i didn't want to
so if i just want to make out all the time
you can bet your black ass that i'm going to

when i was nine i was kind of a loser
the kids in my class didn't like me
melanie chow was the meanest of all
and my mom made me go to her party

nobody talked to me i sat there quietly
drawing with pens on a napkin
a picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork
her legs getting eaten by lions

the cake was good
i took some home
i had a party
in my room

now i have friends and i'm not such a loser
but i go to CAFES ALL THE TIME and i sit there
and BUY A COKE and i write and i like being alone around people
yes that's how i like it

and i've already spent too much time
doing things i didn't want to
so if i wanna sit here and DRINK COKE AND WRITE
you can bet your black ass that i'm going to

yes i come here often
sure i'll have another one
but i don't have to talk to you

when i was FIFTEEN i was a blowjob queen
picking up tips from the masters
i was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after
now i'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
i don't make love now to make people love me
but i don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
we're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic

and I'VE ALREADY SPENT TOO MUCH TIME
DOING THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO...

when i GROW UP I HOPE TO BE a rock star
I KNOW IT WON'T pay too well, MIGHT HAVE to strip on the side
of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
HONEY they'd never know
what a bargain they'd gotten
and if i'm forgotten
i'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
and i still get laughed at but THAT SHIT DON'T bother me
i'm just so glad to hear laughter around me

and i've already spent too much time
doing things i didn't want to

so if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate
or look like a dyke
or wear high heels and lipstick
or hide in a convent
or try to be mayor
or marry a writer
smoke crack and slash tires
make jokes you don't like
or paint ducks and retire

you can bet your black ass that i'm going to.